SHE.HER.

there are so much things that i wanna say today, now, at this very moment. i jus got so confused and not sure where to start.

note: i am feeling kinda moody now. =((

i had ESAP paper this afternoon.(more papers to come nxt week) but i only started chiong-ing for esap on mon night. for the 3-4 few nights, i have been burning mid night oil to complete as much of esap as possible. i hate myself for being such a big fan of procrastinator. i know that papers are coming but yet im not doing anything. frens ard me are preparing, going at full force for revision. but not me. im just an average student who do not have powerful memory to memorise notes. im not smart to grab the concept well at the first time. and im lazy. how?! =( i hate the feeling of late min preparation. im always like that when it comes to exam period. everyone jus help me will u?!!!!

i experienced lots of failures back in jc times. failing tests seems to be a common thing to me. but how issit that the rest are doing better than me when it comes to actual exam when im stronger during class tests? it happened to me during O levels and A levels. ppl who are weaker than me during sch exams but yet able to score well in the cambridge exam. haiz. im just not the exam person.

and mind u.. my uni grades arent that fantastic. i merely took a grade jus enough for me to pass.

i admire ppl who can handle both studies and work or outside activities at the same time.

3 yrs ago, i took my A level results. how time flies. the memories that i had while mugging. all the tears that i shed cos i cldnt memorise all the chemical eqns and process. i hate myself for being so weak. i hate myself for not being able to live up to my expectations.

my bro got his results today. he's a smart ass. being able to produce this kind of results in a neighbourhood jc is a minority. cos im from a neighbourhood jc as well.

of cos im happy for him.

but im more of upset than happy. humans compare. y arent my result as good as him? or rather, mayb half as gd will be gd enough for me. when comparing, my self esteem jus get lower. it seems that i have lost my indivdualisation. im living in my own world of comparison. i cant help but compare.

or maybe that's what u call jealousy. if time cld reverse.........

i promise i wun be repeating what i did. see.. that's human nature. onli start to cherish things when u lose something.

if i do cherish u, maybe things wun be the way it is now.

i know u wld (past tense) be there for me. i know u wld (past tense) motivate me. i know i cld rely on u for everything.

but not now anymore....

i failed. i cried.